Other Parts of the Whole
Mostly I use this blog to complain about my abusive relationship with alcohol — and make no mistake, we abuse each other. It’s totally a two-way street.
But there are more things in heav’n and earth, Horatio…
My polyamorous relationship of 4-ish years just dissolved January 13th. I shouldn’t say ‘dissolved’ because that implies no one is dating any more, which is not true. D & H remain together, while I remain a much beloved but separate best friend and roommate.
This is both more and less painful than the alternatives.
I don’t feel like writing about this now but I have ignored it for a month and don’t feel like I should ignore it any longer.
It wasn’t a surprise. I’d been falling out of love for a while and apparently so had they. I hoped (and still hope) for marriage and possibly, if I ever feel mentally prepared, kids someday. They have no interest in either. My interests have diverged in totally different directions.
I am not angry, surprised or overly hurt.
I did cry a lot. We all did.
After all the talking was over we hugged and it felt more true than anything we’d done in months.
I do not feel like my home is broken. I don’t feel like I need or even want to leave, and they would like for me to stay if I feel comfortable doing so. They still want me to come out to California when I finish my nursing degree here in Philly.
That’s not to say it isn’t awkward. Or painful.
There have been meltdowns and crying jags. I am coping. Sometimes I run out of cope. I sat in my car and had a total breakdown because, with two sprained ankles, I could not carry the groceries up the stairs and D was asleep and H at work and I discovered that I had no one to call on to help me.
Most days aren’t that bad.
Last night I confessed to H that I was swallowing a lot of my feelings during this strange period of rebuilding. Swallowing felings of worthlessness, of being unwanted, of not knowing if I could ever be a good partner or lover…
I wish she had been able to give me more reassurance.
I no longer no where I fit. I am not cast out or unwanted, but neither am I embraced, nor can I take back my place ‘inside’.
D is talking about taking a road trip to see his parents and brother. Previously I would have been welcomed. Now I don’t even know how to ask if I am or not. I don’t even know if I want to go, or should go.
I don’t know a lot of things any more.
I am crying now, too badly to see. I am hurt, but more than hurt I am scared and lonely. I still have school but it’s so hard to care about that right now. I’m supposed to be writing a research paper for my nursing class but it’s so far from my mind I can’t even see it from here.
I don’t want to die but I do not know how I’m going to survive — the next week, or this next year and a half until I (hopefully) finish my degree.
I feel so alone. I feel like I failed. I feel not good enough for anyone to ever want or love. I feel so lost. I feel like all the little parts are dissolving, leaving no trace of the person I am.
I hope it gets better soon. I hope I find my strength soon. I don’t know how to live like this, broken into pieces.
